Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
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