and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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