dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
