and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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