True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
