Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Someone shattered a urinal.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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