i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
