i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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