Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
