So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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