people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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