Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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