Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
