I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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