Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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