I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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