Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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