Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
