Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
