god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
