ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
