Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
