I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
