I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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