I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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