Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
