now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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