i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
