Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You left your phone here
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