he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I have post one night stand depression
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
