I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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