My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
