Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
