she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We are all done wearing pants today
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