i barfeds in our rink
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
