I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
