I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
