Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i love accidental penises.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
