Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Can you bring me the toilet please
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
