omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
