you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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