Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
