your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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