I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
