im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
