Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
