I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
