Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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