i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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