I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
