are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
