I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
